stop the ride, i want to get off…
I just want to stop hurting.
To stop crying at the drop of a hat.
To stop looking over at Chris and feeling utterly helpless because there’s nothing I can do to comfort him because I’m feeling much of the same pain.
I just want our kitty back.
I can’t believe how badly this hurts this time around. Never before have I been through this with someone so closely, lived in the same house at the same time, cared for the animal together like we did.
Before there was always a safe distance, a mental and physical buffer zone from the worst of the pain and the loss. This time it’s in my face 24/7, and I can’t escape it because I always have to come home to a now 1/3 more empty house.
I tried to channel some of my emotions into something artistic, I made “Brisco Balls” this afternoon and I love how they turned out. Glass Christmas ornaments with metallic mica powders inside in all his colours. But it’s not the same. It’s not curling up on the back of the couch with us, it’s not his super soft fur on the side of his neck, it’s not his pitiful meow when he was looking for attention, it’s not the feather soft “kisses” of his nose brushing against my eyebrow… it’s just emptiness with no way to fill it.
Right now I’m wondering just how many more cat-shaped holes my heart can take.
